All i need is someone out there, who can bring me out just for a good meal, to watch a comedy, have a good laugh together, relax, talk about anything besides school/work, and just let me smile and be myself.
You know those times when you are just bitching about life and some people can tell you so nonchalantly like it doesn’t matter, like they are so used to it as if they have blatantly accepted such reality in life. It’s upsetting to see, like they have succumbed to it, fought the tough battle and lost. Or you can say they find it easier this way. I find myself stuck in between, fighting to stay optimistic and sinking into the reality with the social consensus at the same time. I live in two extreme parts of the world, one filled with empathy and the other with pragmatism.
What is self-sufficient?
I feel good today. Caught ‘Bridesmaid’, it reminded me how important my girlfriends are to me. Despite this Saturday being my only free day till the next one, i took some time off and made something for them. No fanciful gifts, no melodramatic plans, just a simple card will do the trick, sometimes. So i realized that putting your heart into doing something well, especially for your special ones, can feel so simply awesome. And it’s really fine to just take some time off, cause there’s only these few things that matter in life after all. It suddenly came to me that my life had just been good enough, that perhaps now it’s time to grow and learn again. And i shant rely on anyone, except myself, to get through this.
Oh i learnt something new this week - ‘Survival of the fittest’.
I am so pissed with myself now. I cant forgive myself. I hate how sometimes i become that person i dont like. I hate how things just dont go my way. I hate how incapable i can become at times. I hate to rely on others. I hate how i’m always not good enough. I hate how i rather blame myself than others when they are at fault. I hate how my brain works at times. I hate how i start pleasing others and stop thinking of myself.
I had enough. It’s been a full week of shit where nothing went my way, where i got all upset and angry of myself, where i didnt do as well as i should, where i just screwed up.
And now i just want to detach myself from the rest of the world, cause i cant stay any longer.
“We need to stop saying & just meet up”
This was what i got when i wished a dear friend ‘Happy Birthday’ last week, when i gave him my best wishes and said we should meet up soon after ages. Just a sentence, so simple yet truthful. It struck me hard, and got it ringing in my head ever since. I started realizing the countless times i had been saying it, but how many times have i really done it? And this applies to other things as well. Not to say this was just a simple dinner date to catch up. How difficult could it be? Gotcha, you got it, that’s why. Cause it sounded so goddamn easy. It never become one of my priorities. I postponed it once, twice, and it just kept going on, like a bad habit.
When was it that you were there for a friend? What if he/she really needs you at that point of time, when you decided to postpone it cause something else just seemed more important?
I’m sick of saying and not doing, aren’t you?
High expectations or poor performances?
You see their eyes on you all the time.
Is it all in the mind?
Are you good enough?
Or are you just not satisfied with yourself.
You cant stand to compromise, and make the sacrifice.
There’s no such thing as best of both worlds.
Which one to pick?
Who exactly are you?
What do you want?
For now, i’m lost and confused.
Can i scream?
(Thanks to the Facebook note on my wall)
On this day of 2010, i officially moved into hall.
One year has passed. I remember how i was nervous yet anticipating University life. Now i’m a Senior. I’ve done so much within a year i could barely recall. How time captures you and bring you round in a quick swirl, then back to the same spot. A changed man? Have you learnt? Maybe, maybe not. All i know is don’t ever get too caught up in the rat race, for you will realize all these things you are chasing don’t matter, all the things you want aren’t yours.